Building Resilience

Resilience is a skill that can be developed and strengthened. While some people have more natural frustration tolerance than others, in general resilience requires patience, maturity and having a clear intention. My clients tell me about their stress regarding relationships, career and money, unhealthy habits, mindset, and lack of self-confidence. How do people develop resilience?

Experts tell us that resilience is the ability to regroup quickly from challenges, and maintain that state of mind in the face of adversity. It's not about avoiding challenges, but rather developing skills and flexibility to cope effectively, and bounce back from problems. When very difficult or shocking situations arise it is important to take time to process, grieve and digest. But at some point we have to move on.

Research tells us that people who are resilient tend to have a few things in common: Positive attitude, healthy self- care, strong social support, good coping and problem solving skills, mental flexibility, healthy emotional regulation and a strong sense of self.

Some people are more prone to seeing things with a positive attitude. If you are not like this you can practice catching yourself in negative thinking, consciously replacing that thought with a new positive thought. It’s a great exercise that works.

Healthy self care involves good nutrition, sleep, exercise, medical care, taking time for solitude, inspiration and hobbies. A balance of work and leisure.

There is nothing more healing than the compassionate love of friends, family and community. This can greatly buoy people and help make them more resilient.

Coping mechanisms that build resilience include creative outlets like art, music or writing, physical activity, meditation, breathing techniques, humor, socializing, or asking for support.

Mental flexibility comes from first understanding the nature of human beings and of our minds. It involves being able to adapt to circumstances without allowing them to pull us down. We learn to witness our emotions, the external world and others' judgements of us rather than taking anything too seriously.

Emotional regulation partners with mental flexibility. Mindfulness helps us emotionally regulate: calming down after an upsetting experience, shifting attention to better thoughts, staying focused despite distractions, solving problems in manageable steps, validating our reality even if it is difficult, and setting boundaries with others.

A strong sense of self comes after we master the previous six things. We develop an unshakable faith in our own worth and a bigger picture of our human "soul" purpose. To quote a term from my friend Vishwan, we develop "spiritual self confidence." This is an inner confidence that comes with life experience grinding down the edges of our egos and unhealthy attachments, thereby giving us a bigger and wiser perspective.

As a coach I would ask you to tell me what you think resilience is to you. We would discuss ways you have shown resilience in the past and expand on this. And we would talk specifically about how and where you get stuck, come up with an action plan to break through and help you get mentally stronger.